Saturday, December 31, 2011

2012


Masuk tahun baru, semua orang menanam azam baru. Azam itu, azam ini, bahkan menamakan anaknya Azam atau Azamiah kalau perempuan. Aku tidak begitu gemar dengan azam tahun baru. I do not really believe in new year's resolution, but I do believe in hopes and dreams. Disebabkan tahun depan aku bakal menjadi buruh tegar di hospital, jadi tidak banyak yang aku mimpikan dan harapkan, hanya beberapa keinginan kecil yang ingin aku penuhi sejak dulu lagi, antaranya adalah:

  1. Menjadi lebih yakin dengan diri sendiri supaya orang tidak memandang rendah walaupun aku memang rendah.
  2. Menjadi anak, adik, kakak, dan sahabat yang lebih baik. Tidak lupa juga seorang Mak Teh yang cool. 
  3. Senyum sentiasa.
  4. Baring di pantai pada malam hari sambil melihat bintang.
  5. Hanging upside down di pohon yang bebas labah - labah.
  6. Menderma RM2 kepada pengemis di NZ tanpa berbisik dalam hati "Eleh, kau ni penipu. Mesti pura - pura cacat."
  7. Menjadi kekasih kepada seorang penderita Syndrom Down.
  8. Menjatuhkan aiskrim cone dari 3rd floor KLCC ke bawah dengan target pendaratan adalah di kepala seseorang yang botak.
  9. Berpura - pura menjadi perempuan cantik tapi tempang dengan berjalan memakai tongkat masuk ke restoran untuk lunch dengan harapan akan ada putera raja kacak bergaya melihat dan berkata "Oh no, perempuan itu sakit kaki. Kasihan sekali. Aku harus melaburkan semua duitku untuknya."
  10. Dapat menahan ketawa ketika sedang berpura - pura tidur apabila mak aku suruh angkat baju kat luar. Biasanya tak berjaya.



Semoga menjadi kenyataan.




Selamat tinggal 2011.
Selamat tinggal ketidaktamadunan.
Selamat tinggal tuan rumah yang suka membebel macam itik.
Selamat tinggal kawan berlagak yang baru nikah.
Selamat tinggal perempuan murah.
Selamat tinggal bekas kekasih.
Selamat tinggal pemain trompet.
Selamat tinggal perangai buruk.
Selamat tinggal sembelit.
Selamat tinggal apa - apa yang aku rasa aku nak tinggalkan.




Ok, pemain trompet dan setengah dari perangai buruk boleh ikut masuk ke 2012. Sembelit juga.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Rambutan

Pukul 3 pagi aku terjaga. Sfingter uretra sudah tidak tahan mahu terbuka, memuntahkan isi yang sudah tidak tertampung lagi. Terbayang mangkuk jamban. Aku membuka pintu bilik. Sunyi. Sepi. Obviously semua sedang bermimpi. Nasib baik lampu ruang tamu depan menyala. Setidaknya aku boleh mengelak kalau bertembung dengan lipas. Aku tidak akan bertegur sapa, aku tidak akan memijaknya, tetapi aku akan mengelak. Sfingter uretra hampir terbuka. Langkah dipercepat sambil kedua kaki mengepit rapat. Serius hodoh posisi pada saat ini. Nasib baik tiada CCTV. Sebelas langkah kemudian, aku sampai di depan toilet. Namun ada sesuatu yang pelik. Ada sesuatu yang tidak wajar berada di depan toilet, lebih - lebih lagi saat pagi - pagi buta begini dan aku sendirian. Ini... Ini... Ini sungguh tidak wajar. Sebiji rambutan berada di hadapan toilet. Setahu aku, toilet aku jauh dari dapur atau meja makan atau tempat simpan makanan atau pun tong sampah. Aku berdebar - debar. Seram sejuk. Dari manakah datangnya rambutan tersebut?

Flashback...
Sejak 2 minggu yang lalu aku memang banyak makan rambutan. Rambut yang bertan - tan. Rambutan merah, rambutan kuning, rambutan kecil, besar, kulit nipis, isi melekat pada biji, isi tebal, berair, semua aku telan. Ya, aku adalah penggemar rambutan.

Kembali ke masa sekarang...
Aku terpaku melihat rambutan tersebut dengan penuh tanda tanya. Adakah ini balasan kerana makan terlalu banyak rambutan sampai pagi - pagi buta depan toilet pun aku boleh nampak rambutan? Hey, what, it's not like I'm going to eat it now. That's disgusting. Maybe kalau esok pagi masih ada, baru aku kutip dan makan. Ini berbau mistik. Aku terus menatapnya.

Tiba - tiba, sangkaanku benar. Terdapat pergerakan halus pada rambutan itu. Seperti ditiup angin, ia bergolek sedikit. Aku tersentap. Iman sedikit tergugat, namun entah kenapa kedua kaki tidak mahu melangkah seribu, mata tetap terpaku. Tidak berhenti di situ, rambutan itu kemudian tiba - tiba bouncing beberapa kali, lalu bergolek memutariku lebih 2 kali putaran. Sumpah aku takut. Mungkin kerana oksigen yang berlebihan pada pagi hari, aku tidak pingsan. Surprisingly, aku masih kaku berdiri di situ. Tidak bergerak. Tidak lama selepas itu, rambutan itu melayang - layang di depan mataku dan membisikkan sesuatu ke telingaku.

"Kau telah memusnahkan kaumku, lalu kau menyahtinjakan mereka. Sekarang rasakan balasannya!"

DUSSSHHHHH. Satu tendangan kecil menerpa di kepalaku.


Ok semua itu adalah rekaan semata - mata. Tapi part rambutan depan toilet tu betul.








Dan mari kita bermain dengan tingkat kecerahan.








Nampak tak? Nampak tak itu?






Macam tapak tangan budak kecil kan? Rumah aku mana ada budak kecil. Semua budak besar.




APA!!?? TAKUTNYAA!!!




Ok, lame. Aku tak pandai tulis cerita seram. I don't know what it is. Either memang betul mistik atau aku yang salah tengok. Haha. Post ini bongok. Wuwuwuwuuuu ~

Sunday, December 25, 2011

11.57pm

Ianya membosankan. Ianya membuatkan kepala saya berputar tujuh keliling. Ianya membuatkan saya menguap sebanyak dua kali dalam satu minit. Saya tidak dapat mengerti kenapa harus ada persoalan antara agama, sakit jiwa dan kesenian. Kadang kala kita hanya melihat apa yang kita mahu melihat tanpa memperhitungkan kewujudannya dalam alam realiti. Walau dipaksa sekuat apapun, yang fantasi akan tetap di alam fantasi dan yang nyata akan tetap di alam nyata. Namun alangkah indahnya sekiranya fantasi tiba - tiba masuk ke dalam alam nyata. Dan apa yang selama ini kita cari atau kita cuba bersembunyi kerana ketidakpastian akhirnya datang menyapa kita tepat di hadapan kedua bola mata yang berbentuk hampir bulat ini. Dan sudah pastinya pada saat yang tepat. Diiringi dengan beribu kata yang bermain di hati dan fikiran yang tidak terungkapkan, saat itulah saya tersenyum dan kamu juga tersenyum. 

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Remain Silent

It is better to remain silent and be a good listener or observer if you do not know much about something. You might end up saying something stupid.

It is better to remain silent and be a good listener and a nice shoulder to be cried on if you do not know a person so well. You might end up hurting one's feeling.

Do not act like a wise man when you completely have no idea about the issue.


A not - so - close - friend of mine, whose just got married, told me why am I still single ( yeah, like he knew me inside out ). And he said that I should take him as an example. He was like "Hey, look at me, I'm so cool and that's why I got married". And that hurt me  a bit  a lot. I mean, okay now you are married and I am not, so what? Is that a big deal? Is that a problem to you?

It pissed me off not because I am still single, but because I do not think that he has right to judge me like that, especially when he does not know me that well. I hate it when people judge me without finding out the whole story. Do not be such an arrogant. Have not you heard that everyone has their own fate? Have not you heard that everyone has their ups and downs? I may not marry yet, I even do not have a boyfriend. Am I ruining your life? NO. In fact, I think my life is so much better than yours.

I could shoot you back, but I did not. I thought fighting with an arrogant like you is just useless. I should have known you better. Do you really want to compare your life with my life? Do you? Hah, I am afraid that you would cry and kill yourself. I am sorry, but as far as I know, you are nothing. Seriously. I can write the reasons why am I saying that. But no, I think I will keep it to myself.

Yes, you can say whatever you want to say, if it makes you happy. I am sure you are a type of person who love to see people cry while you laugh till you wet your pants. Do not compare your life with others. Do not say that you are lucky enough, because there is another person whose luckier than you. 

I swear if I have an evil mouth, I would have said "Congratulations for the wedding. You are now the coolest and the most successful man. Now go fuck your wife". But since I am a good naive sweet little pie, no, I did not say that. I am just remain silent...

Friday, December 23, 2011

Perempuan Joget

Melayan pemandangan perempuan yang joget - joget non stop selama 2 jam 30 minit. Annoying yet so cute! :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

3.03am

Menatap siling putih, beralaskan bantal
Miring ke kanan, miring ke kiri
Entah kenapa tanganku gatal
Ingin mengetuk pintu hati

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Hey Moon



Sumber: Internet.

Pantomime


Hi!
Hi!

(^_^)
(^_^)

(^____^)
(^____^)

XOXO
(^________^)

~Taadaadaaa tatataaa pam pam paaaaa~

*Lightning struck with thunder*

(>.<)
Urghh!

( Looking away )
( Walking away )

Cak!
.....................

Hey. Cak!
.....................


:'(






- After a caterpillar became a beautiful butterfly moment -






Hi!
Eh? (,") Hi!

:)
:)

(^_^) ----> I don't really care. I'm happy now.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I Am Mak Teh

My sister sent me this video of my cute little nephew. Can't help but to watch it over and over again. Geram OK!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Spontaneity

Ini semua adalah spontan ketika berborak dengan kawan - kawan atau pun ketika sedang bermonolog dengan diri sendiri ketika mandi.


Chill,
Take a pill,
Pay the bill,
Now how do you feel?


Kat laboratory tu ada hantu,
Sebab ada you!
Hew hew heewwww.


I beli gorengan kat ibu tu,
Biasanya I beli rp2ribu,
Tapi harini I beli rp3ribu,
Just for you,
So makanlah gorengan tu!



I sepatutnya kena study tonight,
Tapi because of you, we had a fight,
I marah sangat - sangat,
You pulak buat muka ketat,
But now that you hold me tight,
I guess everything is going to be alright.
:)


Kau ni dah la suka bangga diri,
Pastu pentingkan diri,
Harap je ilmu agama tinggi,
Tapi perangai macam otak kat kaki,
Bila susah, sibuk aku kau cari,
Time tu laa baru kau nak sms tanya itu ini,
Suruh - suruh macam aku ni kuli,
Sesuka hati,
Tapi bila masalah dah pergi,
Kau hilang, sunyi sepi,
Macam dah mati,
Bila time aku susah, kau tak peduli,
Macam vavi,
Lepas ni kalau kau susah, jangan cari aku lagi,
Malas nak mengutuk lagi,
Itu perbuatan yang keji,
Sekian, terima kasihi.


*Yang last tu memang aku tengah marah.

Monday, November 28, 2011

( Not So ) Perfect Pictures

I was bored so I played with my phone and edited some pictures. Hehe how cool is that? =D











Ok, fine, not that cool. I need camera canggih please! Anyone?

Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Ending

Semakin nak sampai tujuan, semakin tak jelas tujuan.
Semakin banyak duri tertancap, semakin deras air mengalir dari pintu hati.
Semakin tak sayang asal usul, semakin tak ingin pulang ke tempat bermain.
Semakin berat menghadapi kenyataan. Hari ke hari.
Semakin sedih meninggalkan tempat yang dulunya paling dibenci.
Setidaknya di sini ada yang menyintai dan bertanya khabar setiap hari.
Ada yang peduli. Terasa diri ini wujud di muka Bumi.
Setiap hari mencuba berlari melawan waktu.
Rasanya berat untuk kembali.
Sudahlah, keluar air mata pelangi pun tidak dapat memperlambat waktu.

Semakin hari semakin gelisah memikirkan waktu yang pastinya akan tiba.
Semakin hari cerita dongeng ini semakin mengarut dan semakin tidak jelas.
Cerita yang mungkin membosankan dan memuakkan bagi kamu, kamu dan kamu.
Tetapi tidak bagi seorang anak jalanan yang kerja sehariannya hanyalah meminta - minta, atau bagi seorang perempuan yang menjual tubuhnya tanpa rela, atau mungkin juga bagi seorang pejuang yang berjuang jauh dari orang - orang yang dulunya pernah menyayangi dirinya.

Waktu yang tersisa semakin menyusut.
Namun adakah perjuangan 7 tahun ini setimpal dengan kebahagiaan yang dirampas?
Tiada siapa pernah peduli akan cerita di sebalik cerita.
Yang dilihat dan dinilai hanyalah kesudahannya.
Yang baik, diraikan. Yang buruk, dicerca.

Jika diberi pilihan, ulangi saja roda - roda waktu.
Biarkan dia memilih. Pimpinlah tangannya.
Agar dapat apa yang dia inginkan sebenar - benarnya.
Agar dapat dia menikmati kehidupannya.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Al Kisah Suatu Cerita

( Dengan suara separuh berbisik )
Psssttttt... Hey.     Hey!

Saya ingin bercerita. Bercerita tentang suatu cerita yang saya seharusnya tidak ceritakan di sini. Tetapi saya teringin sangat bercerita mengenai cerita itu. Hati saya mengamuk supaya cerita itu diceritakan. Tetapi saya tidak boleh menceritakan cerita yang seharusnya saya ceritakan tetapi tidak boleh saya ceritakan atas alasan tertentu. Oleh sebab itu saya menulis coretan ini sekadar untuk memujuk hati sendiri seolah - olah saya telah pun menceritakan apa yang saya ingin cerita tetapi tidak boleh diceritakan padahal sebenarnya saya tidak menceritakan sama sekali sama ada di sini atau pun ke sahabat handai mahupun pada coretan - coretan di tandas awam. 

Sekarang barulah hati saya diam, walaupun saya tahu dia tidak puas.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Animals!

The other day we went to Taman Safari, Bogor and we found out that it was waayyy more attractive than Zoo Negara. The animals were everywhere, I mean, really everywhere. It was fun. I love animals. I love nature.

















p/s: I love editing pictures using my phone :)

Friday, November 4, 2011

Night Talk

I have been running for all this while.
Quite an eternity.
Till I forgot what have I been chasing for.
Was it the moon? Was it a dream? Or was it just a drama?

I have been far away half of my life.
To glow. To be old. To stand up on my own.
At some point, I think I had enough.
At one point, I need it to stop.
This is not fun anymore.

Flowers bloom and fly.
Floating up to the cloudy sky.
It is raining, I think they cry.
No one ever knows why.

This could be a different night.
But then again, it is just a night like every other night that I had before.
The thought of what they might think.
Could be nothing to me.
I just need to smile and shine.
No one would ever wonder.
No one would even bother to question.

The green, the blue and the sea.
Buzz of the bees.
Chirp from the tree.
That is how life should be.

This feeling is ridiculously indescribable.

I love how the Moon winks at the Sun and the Planet.
Cheeky yet classic.
I love when you kiss me on the forehead.
Cheesy yet romantic.
Come stay with me instead.
We can write something poetic.


Thursday, November 3, 2011

Random Words

"Tell me everything. Write it all down. Scribble it in a notebook. Type it out, e - mail it to me. I don't care, but I wanna know everything. And that way we'll be with each other all the time, even if we're not with each other at all. That way before we know it, I'll see you soon, then."

                                                                                                                       - Savannah in Dear John -

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Last Night

Last night I went to the Owl City All Things Bright and Beautiful Tour. I've been waiting for so long and finally yay! Great performance, great vocal, great show. Lots of instruments, he's very talented I can say. Breanne Duren is so lucky to tour with them. She has the unique voice and can play instruments as well, that's sexy. Thank you very much Deny for trying to get the last minute tickets that I thought it was already sold out. Weeehoooo!






One word - AWESOME!

2.40am

I wear my make up
Black eyeliner never fail to make the eyes look wider
Mesmerize
I look pretty. I look gorgeous
I look... o l d e r ...
The drumbeat and the crowd
They play it loud
Loud enough to wake the dead
Somehow, I can hear a whisper
Whisper with echoes
Distracted
It echoes something that it should not
I
m
i
s
s
you

Thursday, October 27, 2011

A Good Friend Tells A Good Story

This evening a friend of mine text-ed me:

Friend: Yo let's have an iftar together
Me: Aite let's go

So we went to have an iftar together at a restaurant nearby. We ordered our meals and started to chit-chat. Because we haven't seen each other for a while, so we started to ask how was each others' life and what's up and all. After a few minutes, the meals were there and he, I shall say who has a nerdy look but very intelligent and smart brain, began to tell me a story - a beautiful story about Al-Kahf.

He didn't tell me about the detail, he just summarized it to me and that made me, who were very slow in understanding something, understood the story. About the impatient Zul-qarnain in getting knowledge from his guru, about Ya'juj Ma'juj and many other stories that were told in the surah.

All of the stories were told with very simple words using a daily conversation, which had my interest to ask more and more. I must say that I'm a bit lack of knowledge in Islamic history. This is because during my school time I had a problem in imagining the chronology of the events and I was always got confused with the long and repeated names being used over and over describing different people at different times. Basically I'm a slow learner, that's it. So by listening to a simple version, I get the pictures and yeah, I was amazed of the true fact about what's in the Al - Quran and what's in reality.

He also told me about hadiths. The one that really caught my interest was this hadith that says something about a dermatology disease called Kusta. 


According to Ahmad Ibn Hanbal, "keep away from the leper as you do from a lion"


And this good friend of mine version, using a simple explanation, was "Do you know there is a hadith about Lepra, that says when you see people suffering the disease, you got to run quickly as if you see a lion"


I thought that was sooooo funny as I was imagining walking on a street one day and suddenly a Lepra girl/boy walks by, my reaction would be scream as loud as I can, throw 2 or 3 stones at her/him before run as fast as I can without looking back. Really, that is what I'll do when I see a lion, won't you? And that is ridiculous, I can't just throw stones at random person, what did she/he do to me anyway? And it's not her/his fault getting the disease. Plus, people will think that I'm crazy for suddenly scream and run like hell. That's bloody funny to me.


Let me tell you a bit about kusta or Morbus Hansen or Leprosy ( I don't know what it is called in Bahasa Malaysia, pardon me that ). It's a chronic Mycobacterium leprae infection that affects most parts of our body including the peripheral nerves, upper respiratory tract, eyes, muscular, bones, and mostly the skin. It has many variety of symptoms depend on what form of the leprosy that a person has. It could be the enlargement of nerves, skin stiffness and dryness, and if it severe enough, the person would have this very unique face called leonine facies.


                             

                              


Ahah, I know, exactly like a lion face right? How can it be? I'll simplify it to this one picture:




So what really the hadith means is when you see a person suffers from Leprosy, you should try to get a distance from it, because you could get one too if you are not fit enough. And the way it says about lion, it is simply because the people who suffers from the disease has this unique face looks exactly like a lion. In text book they call it leonine facies.


It is known that Leprosy has been discovered by human 4000 BC but actually the hadith has known it way before that. I dropped my jaw listening to his story. That was impressive. That was beautiful. There are more beautiful stories can be found in Al - Quran and hadith, that we can relate to our real life. It's all in our faith, our determination to read, understand and relate to our daily life. And for me, honestly I have a difficulty in understanding the Al - Quran. I mean, I've tried to read the translation, but still I have a problem with the literature. I call it 1st degree poetry. It is too beautiful that my mind can't process it. ( ok, alasan. Fine I'm a very slow person. Guide me please )


It was very nice to have such conversation because I rarely got a chance to discuss about religion with anyone. Plus, I'm very choosy in talking this issue with because I'm afraid to be judged. After nearly 2 hours talking about Al - Quran and hadiths with 3 extra drinks we ordered, he ended our conversation by leaving me with something to be thinking of by saying something about the possibilities of the internet we are using today as the "Dajjal". Hmmm he got a point there, but it is up to one's mind to jugde it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Today my friend told me that she wanted to go to a specialist, consulting about her face skin, and she asked me to go with her. While waiting for her name to be called to see the doctor, I asked her why specialist? What's wrong with the usual face foam, the usual moisturizer and the skin care that we have in the market, that we can easily purchase at The Guardian or Watson? She said that her face was getting darker and her oily face was getting worse and the pimples kept on popping and her pores were getting bigger and her blackheads were everywhere. Her face skin was no longer suited with the usual daily skin care. So she decided to see a specialist, which of course, costs more cash.

I looked at her face. I stared at her. All I saw was a very fair, clean and beautiful face staring back at me. No pimples, no blackheads and no oily face that she claimed she has. I thought she has a very beautiful face. And she was so lucky to own that face. I told her that her face was fine, but she didn't believe that. 


While she was consulting with the specialist, I was sitting behind her, playing the Veggie Samurai game using her iPod. But actually I wasn't really chopping all those veggies, I was actually thinking. Why on Earth such a beautiful lady still thinks that she's not pretty? If she thinks that she's not pretty, then what am I?? And why on Earth such an ass face like me don't even care at all about this beauty thing? Yes, I just don't care and I think what I have is enough ( perasan dah cantik la tu. Ptuih ). With her, complaining about this and that, I started to think that she has everything compared to me. Pretty face? Checked. Tall and slender body? Checked. Smart brain? Checked. Caring parents? Checked. Money? No problemo. A steady boyfriend since high school who has a face like the CK underwear model ( but Kelate version, and a bit pendek ) whose studying oversea ( not 'across the sea' like me ) and planning to marry her sometime next year? Definitely checked. She has everything, why she has to be bothered about this tiny little face problem ( which I think absolutely not a problem at all )?


I came back home around 8pm. I directly went to stand in front of the mirror. Looking at my dull pale face. I touched my nose, and it left me an oily pointing finger. I tightened up my shirt, god, flabby was everywhere. I glanced at my phone. No messages from my parents. I even forgot when was the last time I got an sms from them. I looked back at the mirror. I saw a big L on my forehead...


...Rasa macam nak tumbok diri sendiri...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

2.48am

Setelah membaca itu dan ini
Tertawa. Bukan. Kesal. Eh, bukan juga
Lewat malam ini
Nyatanya tiada beza antara aku, kau, kau dan kau
Meminta. Menagih. Menjaja.
Ahah!
Lupakan mereka
Setidaknya lupakan hasil seni mereka
Aku mahu tidur
Tetapi mereka sering datang
Pergilah
Aku sedang berusaha untuk tidur

Monday, October 17, 2011

Oh So True!

You may come across people in your life who might say all the right words at all the right time. But in the end, it is always their actions you should judge them by. It is actions, not words, that matter. Someone can proclaim to love you all day long, but are they just saying it or are they displaying it? After all, talk is cheap. If someone really loves you, really wants to be with you, really can't imagine their life without you, your relationship won't feel like a constant game of "Where's Waldo?". Lips might lie, but hips never lie. So if they are talking your way and not walking in your way, it might be time to hang up the phone and leave it alone. You will never have to play Hide and Seek with someone who truly wants to be found.

                                                                               - Creditted to  Keyra Halim -    


Miss Messy

I am a type of person who can't do multitasking. I can't talk in class while listening to my lecture. I can't write or text messages when someone is talking to me. I can't eat while reading. I can't do 2 tasks at one time. So whenever I have more than 1 task to be done at a time, I have to list them from the most important to the least one so I can prioritize and focus only on the most important one. Last week I was caught in a situation where I have 3 important things to be done - my examination, my job interview with the government and maintaining my room cleanliness, not to mention the other things that went through my mind such as finding the solution for my money problem, booking a flight for my next posting and family problem.  As a result, I got this one big messy mind, and it was portrayed by my room's condition.





Tak senonoh kan? It's a big mess. Gross. I don't like it either but I had no choice but to focus on my studies and prepared for the interview until I forgot to put my cekodok bowl and the mug to the kitchen. Even though I have a maid that can wash all my clothes, I was just too busy to put my dirty clothes outside. Disgusting, I know. I'm going to clean it today. *cheers for me!*

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Deadly Whisper

Have you ever felt regret doing what you are doing?
Have you ever wished to turn back the hands of time so that you would not be who you are right now?
Have you ever felt like everything was wrong and nothing was right?
Have you ever went crazy, that you laughed hysterically and smiled as sweet as daisy but within 5 minutes all of sudden you burst into tears, just like a baby sobbing over milk?
Have you ever felt like suddenly everything was against you, even a smelly cat would not smile at you, and the God did not listen to your pray anymore?
Have you ever felt like giving up everything, want to let go of everything, and all you want to do is just laying in your bed staring into space thinking about ending your life?


Well, surprisingly I have...

September has been dark to me. Pitch dark. I broke up with my ex. I failed my dermatology paper. I ran out of cash. And now I am in neurofuckinglogical department. I never like neurology ever since I was in my first year. I could never understand all those imaginary pathway of our memories, movement, sensories, the ridiculous anatomy of the brain and yada yada yada. I mean, who cares, we move because we wanted to. You're having some damage in your brain or backbones, you'll go paralyse, that's it, face it. I don't even care trying to understand it, unlike my any other departments I went through before. Seriously, I hate neurology. I just want to pass the exams and then I swear I'll go burn those neurological books. And what makes me feel even more hopeless is because I am super exhausted in this department. I never felt like this before, not even during my O&G posting. I have to get up at 4 in the morning and already on the road at 5am, reach at the hospital by 6 and start working till 3pm -  the earliest we finish. I would be the happiest girl in the world if I can go back home by 3pm. I would dance all the way home, hug all the beggars on the streets, kiss all the flowers and smile and shake hands with everyone I meet on my way home. Ok I just made it up. But really, everyday the first thing that comes through my mind when I step into the hospital is - are we going home by 3pm today? It could be as late as 6pm. Actually it's not a big problem, I can work all day long in the hospital, I'm already get used to it. But the problem is, I'm in Jakarta and I do not own a car. Which means, I have to use the public transports. No LRT boohooooo. Stuck in the traffic for hours with pollution is not how you want to end your tiring day with. Reaching home by almost dark, with my extremely tired body. I can say that almost everyday I'd passed out till the next morning without taking my shower. And without doing any revision. The routine goes on and on for 5 weeks. As a conclusion, my body is tortured and my mind is empty. I learn nothing everyday. And the exam is approaching very soon.

Last night, I got home late, it was already dark. I threw my bag, changed my clothes, and push myself onto the bed. I was all messy and messed up. My eyes were wide opened. I didn't know why and when my tears went down. Suddenly without I realized, I secretely whispered to myself:

Please god, take my life. Let me die, give me any deadly disease. Or at least put me in some kind of accident so I would get a brain concussion and amnesia would be the best solution. I am weak, I give up fighting for my own life.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if I could just forget everything. Sigh. I know, this is not me. This month has been hard for me and last night was the hardest. I hope Mr. October will be nice to me. Please be nice to me. You have to be nice to me. I'm insist. I don't care. 





Saturday, October 1, 2011

Pantun Malam

Aku sudah terbiasa susah.
Kau sudah terbiasa mewah.
Bukan bermaksud untuk merumitkan.
Hanya ingin melihat sedikit kesungguhan.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Menunggu



Pendaratan kapal angkasa di lautan di layar perak 
Situasi yang sangat dramatik
Saya berenang ke panggung teater
Atau mungkin saya hanya bermimpi
Seperti layang - layang di siang hari
Terpesona, mencuri nafasku
Sonata yang sepi untuk Mercury
Bintang - bintang menyanyi dengan sangat indah

Dan mata saya tidak pernah sebesar ini
Epal raspberry sungai yang biru
Saya tidak mahu pergi tanpa kamu
Dalam alunan irama
Saya bahagia lemas di dalamnya
Dalam tanah zamrud
Terlalu gelap, saya menggosok mata
Diselubungi dengan keindahan



Kau sedang berbuat apa?

Aku sedang bermain permainan tepuk - tepuk tangan, seperti yang selalu aku lakukan dari dulu.

Seorang diri?

Ya.

Bukankah permainan tepuk - tepuk tangan itu memerlukan dua orang yang saling mengerti untuk menghasilkan permainan yang harmoni, yang membahagiakan tenggelam dalam tepukan dan nyanyian? Bertepuk hanya sebelah tangan tidak akan menghasilkan bunyi. Ianya sama sahaja seperti menepuk angin.

Aku tahu itu. Dulunya aku tidak sendiri. Ada yang menemaniku, menyambut setiap tepukan ku dan kami bermain dengan bahagia sekali.

Sekarang dia di mana?

Dia sudah pergi. Tidak akan lagi terdengar bunyi tepukan diiringi nyanyian.

Kenapa?

Mungkin dia sudah bosan bermain bersamaku. Bermain tepuk - tepuk tangan setiap hari dengan nyanyian dan gerakan yang sama pastinya membosankan bagi sesiapa yang tidak niat, melakukannya secara terpaksa sejak dari awal. Mungkin dia ingin mencuba sesuatu yang baru, yang mungkin lebih membahagiakannya dari ini.

Apa kau tidak mencarinya dan memanggilnya lagi supaya terus bermain bersamamu? Dengan hanya duduk dan menunggu tidak akan membawa kau kepada sang mimpi.

Setiap hari aku ingin bangun dari tempat dudukku dan mengejarnya, mencarinya, namun keberanian tidak ada di sampingku. Aku terlalu takut untuk mengetahui apa yang bakal terjadi. Namun pada saat munculnya keberanian, saat itulah semuanya sudah terlalu lambat. Tetapi setidaknya aku dapat pulang dan berkata " setidaknya aku telah berusaha dan mencuba "

Apakah kamu merinduinya?

Setengah mati.

Apakah kamu menyayanginya?

Seperti mahu mati.

Dia tidak datang mencarimu kembali? Siapa tahu kalau - kalau dia tidak menemukan permainan lain yang lebih membahagiakan?

Itu aku tidak tahu.

Usaha yang datang dari setengah jiwa sahaja tidak cukup untuk menukarkan mimpi menjadi realiti. Sama seperti bermain permainan tepuk - tepuk tangan ini. Bertepuk sebelah tangan sama sahaja seperti menepuk angin. Kosong.


Lalu bagaimana? Kamu akan terus di sini, bertepuk sebelah tangan seorang diri? Tiada bunyi tepukan dan tiada nyanyian?

Aku akan terus di sini, akan terus bertepuk tangan dan bernyanyi seorang diri sehingga ada yang sudi datang menyambut tepukanku, bermain bersamaku, menemaniku dan mungkin menemukan lagu yang baru supaya tidak bosan bermain lagu yang sama setiap harinya. Yang tidak kenal erti putus asa bermain bersamaku. Mengejarku.


Kau tahu kau terlihat seperti orang gila?

Tidak mengapa. Saat ini aku memang gila.



Perkelahan ini pastinya akan berakhir
Realitinya, saya sedih melihat kamu pergi
Saya merindui kamu sepenuh hati
Tetapi saya lebih memilih untuk sendiri kamu lebih memilih untuk sendiri
Kerana saya tidak dapat hidup tanpa matahari yang bersinar lewat petang
Jadi saya menarik sauh ke atas
Dan selanjutnya pasti akan datang
Kerana mimpi tidak menjadi debu


* Kata - kata italic merupakan direct translation dari lagu Owl City - Dreams Don't Turn To Dust. Translation menggunakan Kamus Mia, jadi kalau ada salah alih bahasa, instead of ketawa, adalah lebih baik ditegur dan dibetulkan kerana lagu Owl City memang pelik dan sangat puitis sampai aku pun tak paham. Lagu tu suppose to be a happy song, tapi entah kenapa bila da translate, jadi macam tak happy plak.