Deadly Whisper

Have you ever felt regret doing what you are doing?

Have you ever wished to turn back the hands of time so that you would not be who you are right now?

Have you ever felt like everything was wrong and nothing was right?

Have you ever went crazy, that you laughed hysterically and smiled as sweet as daisy but within 5 minutes all of sudden you burst into tears, just like a baby sobbing over milk?

Have you ever felt like suddenly everything was against you, even a smelly cat would not smile at you, and the God did not listen to your pray anymore?

Have you ever felt like giving up everything, want to let go of everything, and all you want to do is just laying in your bed staring into space thinking about ending your life?

Well, surprisingly I have...

September has been dark to me. Pitch dark. I broke up with my ex. I failed my dermatology paper. I ran out of cash. And now I am in neurofuckinglogical department. I never like neurology ever since I was in my first year. I could never understand all those imaginary pathway of our memories, movement, sensories, the ridiculous anatomy of the brain and yada yada yada. I mean, who cares, we move because we wanted to. You're having some damage in your brain or backbones, you'll go paralyse, that's it, face it. I don't even care trying to understand it, unlike my any other departments I went through before. Seriously, I hate neurology. I just want to pass the exams and then I swear I'll go burn those neurological books. And what makes me feel even more hopeless is because I am super exhausted in this department. I never felt like this before, not even during my O&G posting. I have to get up at 4 in the morning and already on the road at 5am, reach at the hospital by 6 and start working till 3pm -  the earliest we finish. I would be the happiest girl in the world if I can go back home by 3pm. I would dance all the way home, hug all the beggars on the streets, kiss all the flowers and smile and shake hands with everyone I meet on my way home. Ok I just made it up. But really, everyday the first thing that comes through my mind when I step into the hospital is - are we going home by 3pm today? It could be as late as 6pm. Actually it's not a big problem, I can work all day long in the hospital, I'm already get used to it. But the problem is, I'm in Jakarta and I do not own a car. Which means, I have to use the public transports. No LRT boohooooo. Stuck in the traffic for hours with pollution is not how you want to end your tiring day with. Reaching home by almost dark, with my extremely tired body. I can say that almost everyday I'd passed out till the next morning without taking my shower. And without doing any revision. The routine goes on and on for 5 weeks. As a conclusion, my body is tortured and my mind is empty. I learn nothing everyday. And the exam is approaching very soon.

Last night, I got home late, it was already dark. I threw my bag, changed my clothes, and push myself onto the bed. I was all messy and messed up. My eyes were wide opened. I didn't know why and when my tears went down. Suddenly without I realized, I secretely whispered to myself:

Please god, take my life. Let me die, give me any deadly disease. Or at least put me in some kind of accident so I would get a brain concussion and amnesia would be the best solution. I am weak, I give up fighting for my own life.

I was thinking, wouldn't it be nice if I could just forget everything. Sigh. I know, this is not me. This month has been hard for me and last night was the hardest. I hope Mr. October will be nice to me. Please be nice to me. You have to be nice to me. I'm insist. I don't care.